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Relationship Re-runsMonday Nov 24, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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I got pregnant 14 years ago and the relationship fell apart. The man disappeared before the child was born, after his phone was disconnected and he was evicted. I went on to marry someone else who has raised the child as his own. Unfortunately, my husband ended up being abusive.
About two years ago the biological father turned back up and was also going through the end of a bad marriage. We became friends. Now we are both divorced. We both have children from our marriages and my first child has never met the biological father.
However, the biological father and I have developed feelings for each other. We talk often and have had dinner a few times to catch-up and to discuss the child we conceived together and how the relationship ended.
My ex-husband would go through the roof if I dated the biological father. I don't know how the two of us dating, or developing a relationship, would affect the kids. I don't know how I would ever explain it to anyone. Plus, we live in different states. He sees the situation as hopeless and I think he may be right. I don't know what I should do at this point. Any ideas?
~Who's Yo Daddy?
Dear Who's Yo Daddy,
I've always been of the mind that relationships end for a reason and that pursuing re-runs is generally pointless, like trying to remember the names of the Pussycat Dolls when they change every six minutes. But 12 years is a lot of time for someone to grow up. You're both older, hopefully wiser and have lived through two bad divorces. A few red flags: he left you while you were pregnant with his kid. You both have divorce baggage. And he left you when you were pregnant with his kid! Going back to Baby Daddy #1 after a traumatic divorce from Baby Daddy #2 (when you're vulnerable and craving affection and stability) is not the best idea. Top that off with the long-distance factor and the fact that you both have kids that you can't easily transport across state lines whenever you want, and that makes this scenario even more red flag-tastic. Is he at least in a neighboring state?
And what does your abusive, asshole ex-husband's opinion have to do with this? I would sincerely hope you aren't involving him in your love life or even your like life anymore. If he threatens to harm you or your kids in any way, don't hesitate to get a restraining order on his ass.
Unless you currently live in a small village where the only available menfolk have large Flowbee collections or look like John Madden, I'd suggest you keep looking. I know it's easy to want to go back to what is familiar, but you've been through a veritable shit circus already, and you need a fresh start. This is not to say you should cut out Baby Daddy #1 from your life. Just don't get swept up in romantic notions of your past lover returning to give you everything you ever wanted. That's only happened once, and it was called "The Notebook."
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